Tonight the doctor said,
We don't have answers. That's not a fair position for you two to be in, but it's true.
He said,
Nothing is certain.
He said,
There is no crystal ball.
He said,
Don't get ahead of yourself. Do it day by day. Sometimes hour by hour.

All of this, of course, was in response to our repeated attempts at angling for answers. We want them so badly that we kept asking.
Even though we knew better.
Or rather, even though we knew we should know better.

I think we liked him.
We liked the way he didn't smile too much. The way he made eye contact without being charismatic. We liked that he explained things as they are in all their complexity, rather than using metaphors.
He had gained our confidence.
Not that he could fix anything. Not that he could make it better or do anything differently than the next guy. He just seemed to be talking to us, rather than delivering a speech or expressing what kind of doctor he is.
It went a long way.

When our meeting was done, we very appreciatively shook his hand and thanked him; knowing nothing more than we had before speaking with him.

In parting, I said something like, "I feel better. I don't know why, but I do."
Which did not mean that I felt good or happy. I just felt less shitty.
I'm fairly sure Jesse felt something similar.

I'm trying very hard to develop a philosophy that will carry us through this.
Tonights doctor wasn't the first to tell us we shouldn't get ahead of ourselves, but I liked him a little more and so it left a stronger impression.

As I meditate on it now, I really hope I can achieve some level of peace and acceptance of the unknown and I guess, with whatever we eventually do know.
In the meantime, I'm not there yet. Only lasting several minutes before I find myself fighting off a myriad of emotions for events that haven't happened yet.

Today I was reminded of the mantra, "This too shall pass."
I thought,
I don't like that mantra.
Not all things do pass. Somethings last forever.

So I decided to make a better mantra.
And I came up with,
This will not pass.
I wasn't necessarily comforted by my mantra, but I think it's going to give me solutions.
If something isn't going to pass, you have to learn how to make it a part of your life.
Maybe I'm wrong.
I'm still figuring out how to drive this thing.

It's late now, and I'm sure I'm missing an episode of House somewhere in cable land.
Goodnight folks.