Most of the time, I'm a little too tunnel visioned to think something cohesive. My brain isn't able to transition outside of priorities. In the free moments; I feel my abdomen tense rhythmically.
Like I'm on the mark.
But, it's so important to find a little place in the day, perhaps from 05:40 to 05:45, in which I'm doing something non-reactive. Like, writing this is affirming that I'm not a complete stranger to myself.
I still don't have the opportunity to really expand on anything, or to edit it so that I am the perfect version of myself, but I recently heard somewhere that no one's perfect.
Also, I'll add, that no one is special.
I feel more like one of many; by the day.
It's both painful, and good. And I mean both of those plain words in all their intensity.
It's really painful to be so humbled, to be so little.
It's really good to be purposeful every single day, to be a family.

I feel like I have a soul for the first time in my life.

I never went to visit my Nanny before she died.
I had every opportunity, and I just didn't, because I didn't feel like it.
And today, I started feeling really bad about that.

I have all these people I surrounded myself with for many years.
And now, many of them look at me as though I turned into a different species when I made babies.
And in the beginning that kind of hurt, until I realized that I was never really there for them either.

Being so locked into this experience, is pretty much the antithesis of my previous life.
I find that I'm not only struggling with being a new parent of twins. I'm also struggling with my identity, my new future, and how to maintain some thoughtfulness and quality in the process.

I went to the store to pick up some formula yesterday.
The clerk was this young, hipster guy, and he looked right through me.
I remember he said, "Have a nice day."
I actually looked over my shoulder to see who he was talking to, and realized that was supposed to be for me.

It's been about thirty minutes now.
This felt good.
Hmm... I miss my boys.
Maybe I'll go upstairs and start stomping around outside their door.